What up, dogs! What up, Internet? How's life? I misread this headline on HuffPo earlier today that said "Never Judge a Man By His Beaded Necklace." I read it as "Beheaded Necklace." What's a beheaded necklace? I imagined like a little shrunken head on a length of hemp or something. Some kind of hipsy-dipsy nostalgia piece of the 70s. Like the slap bracelet was for the 90s. Something you only know if you're of a certain age, you feel me?
But then I got to thinking: maybe a beheaded necklace is like the necklace off of a beheaded person. The victim of a beheading. But how could you verify that the wearer of that necklace was actually beheaded? You'd need like a photo at the time of the beheading. Do people still get executed by beheading in America? No. Absolutely not. Right? That should be a no-brainer. (No pun intended.) Of course no one gets beheaded anymore.
But now I'm wondering maaaaybe it still happens. Like in a state you're not sure of. Like Wyoming. Maybe there's a county or something where persons on death row can choose to be beheaded.
Wait, now I'm confused: are you actually able to choose your style of death if you're on death row? That sounds right, doesn't it? That's the humane American thing, right? At least you should get to choose how you die. Or is it standard in every state?
The chair, I feel, is a pretty inhumane form of execution, universally acknowledged nowadays. But I feel like I've heard a news story in the past few years that discussed some guy getting the chair in Florida. Which opens up this possibility: maybe there's a state that beheads people still. If you so wanted.
Come to think of it, I think I might actually choose beheading as the form of my own execution. Like, okay, if there were a multiple choice form they gave you:
How would you like to be executed next week?
A) Electric Chair
B) Gas Chamber
C) Lethal Injection
I would probably think about circling beheading for a second. Because. Because. Wasn't there that French scientist during the Enlightenment or something who had himself voluntarily beheaded so that he could see how long the human brain retains consciousness before death? What. The. Fuck. How amazing is that? Who does that? Throws themselves under the train for the rest of humanity? Just to know some useless factoid about how many times one is able to blink? How do you even have that as a scientifically viable avenue of investigation? It sounds more like some shit you'd wonder when you're completely baked. "Like, dude! Haven't you ever wondered, like, how many times you can blink after your head gets chopped off? Only one way to find out."
I think that French scientist blinked for like forty seconds before he died.
Or maybe it was forty-five seconds. Something crazy like that.