Hot on Twitter today (what's Twitter?) is news of rapper slash actor slash (new slash!) mediator T.I.'s heroic role in preventing a young man from committing suicide early yesterday. News still hasn't emerged about who the 24-year-old man was or what had pushed him out onto a ledge 22 stories above midtown Atlanta, but we do know that T.I. was apparently pulling out of his driveway in what one can only imagine is a sensibly-priced, pre-owned automobile with good gas mileage, when he heard the breaking news on local radio and drove in the direction of the building.
The gist of what T.I. told the young man seems to be, "Things are going to get better," which is nice and reassuring and all, but not necessarily something I might want to hear if I was toeing the line between here and the hereafter. One would think the young man went out on that ledge precisely because he'd thought it through and decided, "You know what, things are never going to get better." But sometimes you just need the King of the South to swoop up from Peachtree Street in his Hyundai which only has FM radio to tell you otherwise. Now I know I'm being a bit snippy, especially since all the details aren't out yet, but a part of me is not so much skeptical as maybe curious.
I'm curious not because the Mediator of the South has a court date coming up tomorrow (which I think is unfair as an accusation, both to T.I. and the suicidal young man); I'm curious because if I understand anything about celebrities--hip-hop stars maybe more than any others--is that they would kill their mothers to be up on the next new trend. Which brings me to another news item that hit the blogwaves earlier this year: reports came out that Lil Wayne, who is currently serving out the end of a sentence at Rikers Island, was counseling fellow inmates who were on suicide watch. He has also been blogging, which means when I go to jail I'm going to start rapping.
Breaking News: This just in, rapper Drake has been spotted on a yacht underneath the Brooklyn Bridge, where a young man is toeing the parapets and threatening to end his life. The young man, who recently lost his job and house in the worst recession in living memory and whose sick mother has no health care, listened hesitantly as Drake, who was wearing humpback-whale-skinned Reeboks and Balenciaga sunglasses (raised respectfully above his forehead for maximal eye contact) kept repeating "You the fucking best, you the fucking best" into an auto-tuned bullhorn. The young man decided Drake was being sincere - so he wiped the tears off his cheeks and jumped.
Even Breaking-er News: What a crazy news day! Rapper slash Nets-owner slash business...man, Jay-Z heroically came to the rescue of a pregnant woman who was brandishing a gun around a hospital, threatening to kill herself in front of the maternity doctors who refused to give her an abortion. "How many problems do you have?" said Jay-Z. In response, the woman lowered her gun and said, "I don't want to bring another life into this world where the gap between rich and poor is growing wider and wider every day." Jay-Z chuckled. "That's only one problem, lady. Look at me. I've got 99 problems. That's 98 more than you. Maybe I should kill myself." At which point Jay-Z stole the gun out of the young lady's grasp and turned it on himself. "Psyche, naw! I'm playing. I'm rich as fuck," Jay-Z said, handing the woman back her gun, which she used to shoot Jay-Z.
R.I.P. Jay-Z!!! You will live on in our heartz for evah!!! xoxo