Thursday, July 22, 2010

Personal Greeting

Hello. You have reached the voicemail system. Long time. We've noticed that you still have an impersonal computer lady voice as your away message. That's pretty lame. If you'd like to record a personal greeting, so that friends and family will think you actually care about their calls, press 2 now.

After the bloop, please record your personal greeting. Don't fuck up. Bloop!

"Hi, you've reached Mik Awake, I'm not available to take your call right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a detailed message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Thanks."

This is the voicemail system again. No offense, but that was not a very good personal greeting. Maybe you should have asked them to leave more information, like their blood type, or a favorite movie quote, or some Pringles and the solution to Fermat's Last Theorem. To listen to your personal greeting, which I'm telling you already, it sucks, please press 1. To just go ahead and re-record your personal greeting, which you should probably do, please wait for the bloop. Once again, bloop!

"Thank you for calling. Please leave a message."

Sigh. Voicemail again. Hi. Here I was thinking that I was a computer generated robot and you were the human sentient life form, similar to the type that created me. I was mistaken. Maybe you should have my job. "Thank you for calling. I am a robot. Please leave a message. I am a robot." Let's try this one more time. Bloop!

"Hi, I appreciate your call. Please leave a message after the beep, and I'll be sure to get back to you. But not if it's a mean message. Ha ha. Thanks..."

OMG! LOL! We are just cracking up over here in Voicemailistan over your personal greeting. It's just so hilarious! LOL! We want to publish it in our gazette, Voicemail Weekly, as the best, funniest, most personable personal greeting of all time! "Not if it's a mean message"! That's so funny because it's true, but only you have the guts to actually say it, because everyone knows you're a nice guy, and who would ever think about leaving a sweetheart like you a mean message. That makes me really want to leave you a nice message, man. Seriously. I'm cracking up so hard I forgot to leave a message...Now, stop fucking around! Bloop!

"You've reached the voicemail of Mik Awake. I'm not available to [deafening sound of motorcycle roaring down the street], so if you leave a message, I'll be sure to return it."

Bro. Voicemail. Wow. I don't know what's harder to believe: that they actually let you use cellphones onboard the deck of your aircraft carrier, or that you actually continued to record a message from inside a jet engine. Good job. You just immortalized some douche on a Harley who's going to destroy what's left of your grandmother's hearing when she calls to tell you how much she loves you. Love you too, Grandma! EXPLODE!!!! Show some respect. Re-record that shit. Bloop!

"Hi. Thanks for calling. I've been re-recording messages all morning in an attempt to strike the right note for people who take the time out of their day to call me. With email and text and missed calls acting as messages, leaving a voice message is a rare courtesy. I realize this, so I'm grateful to you for taking time out to record a message, and to show that I've been trying to put as much thought into the crafting of my own personal greeting--"

You have exceeded the time and boringness limit of the personal greeting function. If you'd like to write a novel, please hang up, buy a typewriter, call an agent, and leave the Voicemail system alone. If you would like to re-record your personal greeting, which you probably will, even though no one cares, please press 2 now, you vain, narcissitic--Bloop!

"The Bible says--"

Wow. Re-record. I don't even want to know where that one was going. Bloop!

"Beamer, Benz or Bentley, my inbox never empty--"

Come the fuck on. Re-record. Bloop!

"Thank you so much for calling--"

I'd like to thank the academy and my psychiatrist and Vishnu, because no one ever calls me anymore, because I'm the crazy man in the attic recording messages all day. Re-record, you dumb, friendless--

[Mik: Fed up, I press 6, to return to the main menu. Then I press 3.]

You have chosen to keep the computer greeting. Great way to spend an afternoon. Thank you so much for calling. Voicemail out.

True Story Scale: Press 5

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