Wednesday, June 02, 2010

My Warm Mug Turns Cold

I’ve had several kinds of days in my life. I’ve gone a day without Google. I’ve even had a perfect day. But I’ve never quite had a day like the one I’m having today. At least not in many years. Today is the first day of Mik Quits Coffee. Sitting here in the library, typing this, I don’t feel tired so much as like a herd of wildebeests has taken a communal dump in my brain cavity and God is forcing me to think and speak and write and connect synapses through the grass-maggot filled sludge.


Even my analogies are sucking more than usual.


Anyway, I’m trying to give it up for a couple weeks at first, and then, who knows, maybe indefinitely. This isn’t a stunt. This isn’t one of those let-me-go-for-a-year-without-electricity-and-reading-the-OED-cover-to-cover-give-me-a-book-deal-please stunts. But, hey, I know what you’re thinking. You're thinking I am a stunt-puller. A gimmick bawd. First he gives up everyone’s favorite social networking portal, then he gives up his 2nd favorite beverage [Mik: Post to come about how this stupid diet also wants me to give up booze, which I will write as soon as BP top kills the grimed up pelicans in my frontal lobe. Fuck, another awful analogy.].


Trust me, I know what you’re thinking, not only because I’m pretty sure I’m going psychic without caffeine, but also because I’m thinking it too: Here I am, your goddamn stunt-puller. In a very nice deal, Publisher X purchases blogger Mik Awake's “The Guy Who Quit Coffee and Facebook in the Same Month.”


Nevermind that I’m actually trying to fight dermal issues that have been pestering me since college. Nevermind that I’ve been getting a lot more writing done without Facecrook. Mik just loves pulling stunts and blogging about it!? Doesn’t he?! Doesn’t he?!?!


Roll the blog before I start really wildebeesting up in this wildepost:


***


"Day with Coffee"


7:30AM – Hit the snooze button. Fall back into that light kind of sleep, you know, the kind with the weird dreams about dogs giving each other blowjobs in a Jacuzzi.


8AM – Hit the snooze button, but this time, instead of falling asleep, fast forward in your head a few minutes to your morning rituals. Brush teeth, okay, yeah skip that, what’s next. Shave, yeah, yeah, next, what’s next, I know there’s something I’m


8:02AM – And that’s when you remember coffee. And everything—the weird lady with the huge wrist watch who will seek you out in the library to sit next to you blaring awful Kool and the Gang music through her crap headphone—the big fat limping Italian guys who smell like fish and glare at you when you get off the subway—your credit card debt—all of it will seem a little bit not as terrible. Because there’s coffee. And this, this is what finally does the trick. That phantom smell of Gulf of Mexico-black Joe in one’s mug, beside a bagel slathered generously with creamed cheese. When you think about it, this is all that gets you out of bed in the morning. Starbuck’s, Stumptown, Jack’s, Nescafe, Ethiopian Harar, Jamaican Blue Mountain, Sanka. Whatever your weapon of choice, you know that whoever wrote that jingle for Folger’s about the best part of waking up, probably drank coffee everyday of his god-awful ad-job jingle-writing life.


8:30AM - Half-n-half with a little bit of sugar. Bagels are done. Fuck a bagel.


8:30AM-3PM – Every few minutes, wondering, as you look around the office, or (to be current) the unemployment line: “Do I need another coffee right now?”


3PM – After you catch yourself nodding into your keyboard (“Rich, Just got your ema;lij;….”), you rub your eyes and remember: you are due another cup. Even before you have it, warm through the cardboard/Styrofoam/Free Gaza thermos in your hands, your heart is already galloping in anticipation. It’s like the fucking F train over Red Hook. And when you finally lap that first bitter gulpful, your heart starts doing a sick freestyle in your chest to the beat of Mobb Deep’s “Shook Ones.”


Yo, I’m only 28, but my brew is old.


And when things get for real


my warm mug turns cold…


3:01PM – Night Time – …For every latte I drink, it’s 25 to Life.


***


"Day Without Coffee"


7:30AM – Hit the snooze button. Fall back into that light kind of sleep, you know, the kind with the weird dreams about playing squash without any equipment. Or pants. Or genitalia.


8AM – Hit the snooze button, but this time, instead of falling asleep, fast forward in your head a few minutes to your morning rituals. Brush teeth, okay, yeah skip that, what’s next. Shave, yeah, yeah, next, what’s next, I know there’s something I’m


8:02AM – And that’s when you remember coffee….


8:02:01AM – …But also you remember that your new anabolic diet involves not drinking any...


8:03AM – Lifting legs with hands like a paraplegic discovering he can walk: It’s okay. Must go on. Must make it to bathroom. Must live life.


8:04AM – Fetal position on the living room floor around your french press: I have nothing to live for.


8:05AM – Brushing your mustache with toothpaste in the bathroom, whispering, through tears, to the mirror: I can get through this.


8:06AM until the End of Your Miserable Un-Caffeinated Day, back and forth like this, wondering what it felt like to be crisp and alert, as you once were in your youth. Which ended one endless day ago.

6 comments:

Bryan said...

Nice.

Bilen said...

i have 19 months clean now and there is not a day that goes by when i don't miss coffee...the drink, the ritual, the wonderfulness of it all. i've fallen off the wagon many times in the last year or so, but those moments of relapse only served to remind me why i quit. the migraines, the facial tics and the terrible crashes between steaming cups of joy...i mean coffee.
the devil bean has my soul bit it will not have my body dammit!
in solidarity...and also you might wanna try green or black teas...maybe even mate to ease your transition.

Chris said...

Why don't you pull the stunt where you write something good?

OHHHHHHHH yes he did.

Anisah said...

that was funny...especially around 8:03am during the day without coffee.

how about taking your vitamins (b, c, d, and fish oil). It should help with your energy in the morning and your dermal issues ;) a

Mik A. said...

Thanks for the tips, Bilen and Anisah. Unfortunately, I had to go back on the 'roids. Life is just too hard without them. Or coffee. P.S. After a brief separation, coffee and I have gotten back together. I'm also rekindling my affair with booze. (I'm so weak.)

W Kelly said...

you are stronger than me