Thursday, April 08, 2010

Global Umbrella Powers

I have discovered something remarkable, Internet, which you probably won't find interesting, Internet, because, where you're from, it never rains, or suns, or does anything. But where I'm from we have weather, loads of it. Sleet, snow, you name it. Around this time of year, we usually have what is known as rain mixed in with heat and humidity. So, to prevent that, we've invented these things, umbrellas.

But this is my discovery, Internet. Every day that I bring my umbrella with me, cramming it uncomfortably in the open back pocket of my man purse, so that the handle digs into the small of my man back, reminding me "Hey, buddy, umbrella here," this is what the weather says: "No, sir, I refuse to rain." Yes, you heard it right. I carry my umbrella around, and it never rains. I know what you're thinking. "No, Mik, you don't understand. It only feels that way. I'm sure there have been countless times when it's rained on a day you've--"

No, it is thee whom does not understand!

For some people, maybe your point would be well taken. But for me, the rules are different. This power is an actual magical power. I control the weather with my umbrella.

If I want it to rain tomorrow, all I have to do is leave my umbrella at home. My umbrella is like the Groundhog. If I want it to be sunny and 80 degrees, just say the word and I'll keep bearing the global burden in my Jack Spade.

But you want to know my even more powerful magical power: finding a way to whine about good weather.

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