Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Q & A Discuss A Rap Lyric

Q. What is the most misunderstood line from Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind" ft. Alicia Keys?

A. "If [Jesus/Jeezy?/Cheeses?/P.G. Wodhouse?] is paying LeBron, I'm paying Dwayne Wade."

Q. Would you mind going through the various ways that you've understood this lyric?

A. Funny that you ask that, Cheeses, because I am a lyric understanding machine! I've understood this lyric in several different ways. To whit:
  • Jay-Z is so rich that he can make deals analogous to our lord and savior.
  • Jay-Z and Young Jeezy are members of a fantasy basketball league.
  • Young Jeezy is paying LeBron James to appear on stage, whereas I, Jay-Z, am paying Dwayne Wade for perhaps similar reasons.
  • Jay-Z is a Muslim like Dwayne Wade and the NBA.
  • Beyonce was a virgin when she married Jay-Z.
  • Destiny's Child is LeBron James' favorite R&B group.
  • Miami is a place where Young Jeezy converted to Christianity with Jay-Z after playing a basketball video game together and drinking sodas.
  • Young Jeezy and I, Jay-Z, have this hilarious inside joke about paying Dwayne Wade. Don't worry about it.
Q. How does one go about gathering the TRUE understanding of that line?

A. Like this.

Q. Eureka! That lyric went from very cool and strange and blasphemous, to very boring and not quite a good rap, and now it is back to, you know, kinda cool.

A. My question to you is who is paying Muggsy Bogues?

Q. Hey, wait a second! You can't ask a question! That's my job!

Q. Not anymore. See how I did that?

A. Wait! What the fuck?! Stop asking questions!!! Wait, why am I an "A" now?!! Give me my "Q" back!!!

Q. Why don't you stop making statements?

A. This is completely fucked up!!!

Q. Or is it, Cheeses? Or is it?

A. [commits suicide; leaves cryptic, ungrammatical note: "I am paying Manute Bol?"]