Thursday, December 03, 2009

Early Resolutions

Start calling customer service at my bank with snippy technical questions: "Okay, then how do I fucking download sufficient funds?"

Start reading race into things more, you bigot.

Stop standing over the toilet after huge dumps, updating Facebook: "Phew. Was getting worried for a second there."

Start living by this credo: "The hour is the twenty dollar bill of time."

Stop informing people that their backpacks are fully unzipped when they are not wearing backpacks.

Stop confusing everything that is not a push-up with sit-ups.

Start attending nudist beaches to practice mentally dressing women.

Stop drinking sit-ups.