Wednesday, September 16, 2009
WHITE GUILT/BLACK GUILT
White Guilt: Sorry for going first.
Black Guilt: No worries. Sorry I didn’t take the initiative.
White Guilt: Hey, man. I just wanted to say…Man, I’m really sorry
about, well, everything. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think
Black Guilt: Totally not your fault. Actually, I’m the one who should
apologize. There’s so much disgusting reverse stuff going on nowadays.
I feel awful. I can’t believe you’ve felt this way for so long. How
come you never said anything?
White Guilt: No biggie. Really. Reverse racism is a total oxymoron. I
don't even understand it.
Black Guilt: I do, and I'm sorry for it. I’m sorry about your
firefighters getting passed over for a promotion in New Haven. So
White Guilt: Pssht! That’s nothing compared to the systemic racism
that continues to widen the income gap between our wealthy, amazing
families and your very sad, poor ones. Really sorry.
Black Guilt: Don’t fret. I’m sorry about that whole Sotomayor thing.
She had no right to generalize about you guys like that. I know tons
of really wise white dudes.
White Guilt: Thank you.
Black Guilt: Maybe not tons…Samuel Beckett. He was white, right?
White Guilt: More or less. I’m sorry he won the Nobel Prize for Literature.
Black Guilt: I’m sorry Toni Morrison played the race card.
White Guilt: Sorry about that whole Skip Gates thing. That was awkward.
Black Guilt: Listen, I’m sorry for the way we assume that all white
cops are racist when they’re probably just doing their jobs.
White Guilt: I’m sorry for racial profiling.
Black Guilt: I’m sorry about Obama’s “stupidly” comment. And about
Obama in general. I can’t believe he’s been in office almost a year
now. It feels like it’s been forever since there’s been a white
president. Sorry about that.
White Guilt: No, I’m sorry we’ve been hogging it for the previous 219 years!
Black Guilt: Ha ha ha. No sweat. I’m sorry Tiger Woods owns your sport.
White Guilt: I’m sorry Eminem owned your musical form.
Black Guilt: Owned or leased?
White Guilt: Either way. Ha ha ha.
Black Guilt: I’m sorry the whole penis thing didn’t work out in your favor.
White Guilt: No worries. Old myths die hard.
Black Guilt: Right. Myths.
White Guilt: I’m sorry we think you’re lazy.
Black Guilt: I’m sorry our comedians do hilarious impressions of you.
White Guilt: I’m sorry in sixth grade you thought Jessica Mills didn’t
like you because you were black when it was because you kept wetting
yourself before talking to her.
Black Guilt: That’s okay. I’m sorry I got into Dartmouth and you got waitlisted.
White Guilt: Water under the bridge. I’m sorry you couldn’t vote until 1870.
Black Guilt: 1965.
White Guilt: Whatever.
Black & White Guilt: Sorry.