Wednesday, September 23, 2009

An Explanation of Current Events As Dictated to Me by My Racial Paranoia

You should be on orange alert: it all started with Michael Jackson dying. And what was Michael Jackson? He was the Holy Grail of American racial torment, everyone’s savior and scapegoat, a black dude who was white most of his life and then died and became magically black again overnight thereby enraging decades of white people who realized that even a freakish hybrid black person could still be considered black by other blacks, and maybe even more black, than they had ever suspected.

Then Michael Jackson’s eulogy by Reverend Al Sharpton was broadcast on a radio in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where a police officer who had loved Michael Jackson because he thought black people hated him was getting ready to make his rounds. Brrrrng! There goes his phone. Hello, this is Racist Cop? Hi, yes, two black dudes are breaking into Skip Gates’s house and one of them is Skip Gates, can you arrest them all? Not a problem, ma’am, let me just finish this Hitler moustache I’m putting on a picture of Barack Obama who is trying to give me universal health care.

Then in the middle of Obama’s beer summit with the cop and Skip Gates, which he also invited Biden to so that the cop wouldn’t feel like he was being double-teamed in some kind of interracial gay porn scene waiting to happen, Congressman Joe Wilson was driving by Pennsylvania Avenue in a taxi and saw the beers and the dudes bro-ing it up and felt completely dissed. He was like, to himself, what the fuck Barack, when I texted you earlier today, you said you were working on health care tonight. You hadn’t said anything about beers.

Wilson was near tears and still far from home when he told the driver to let him off at the next corner. His driver let him off. Wilson slammed the door without paying him properly. His driver was Kanye West’s uncle.

Kanye West’s uncle, or was it his second cousin, I think it was his second cousin. Kanye is not really tight with his second cousin, but nevertheless he has a semi-direct line to him, so he called Kanye’s assistant later that week and she put him through to Kanye giving him the code word for annoying money-grubbing second cousin. Kanye’s second cousin was like, Dude can I borrow a couple dollars, you know I’ll hit you back, but I’m just a bit low on funds because I was driving this guy who kind of didn’t pay me properly the other day so now I’m in the hole some dough you know how that goes. And Kanye was suddenly curious about the dude who didn’t pay his second cousin, so he was like, I know you drive some big shots and political dudes in DC: who were you driving? He said it in italics like that. And Kanye’s second cousin was like, Congressman Joe Wilson, do you know him?

Of course, Kanye knew him. Kanye knew all about Congressman Joe Wilson. Kanye hung up the phone on his second cousin, forgetting to hook him up with tickets even though he had an extra pair. Kanye’s own racial paranoia was quickly turning to outrage and it was on boil the night of the VMAs because of the way Joe Wilson could just get away with yelling at Obama in Congress and could just slam the door without paying on his second cousin, his own family dawg!, which is why when he took the microphone from that country singer whose video really wasn’t as good as Beyonce’s, he was secretly yelling at Joe Wilson, which all of the various blogs, newspapers, and magazines were smart enough to see the completely logical connections between.

Orange alerts. No lie.

["No, You Lie" image courtesy of]

1 comment:

Ammanuel Admassu said...

ahahhaah, third paragraph = classic.