Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The God Particle Is in the Details

Perhaps you've heard about the 17-mile long super-collider buried under Switzerland. Apparently, if everything works out, we'll wake up the next day with the power of invisibility and time travel. I think that's correct.

Anyway, there was an article in the New York Times today about how they've been having problems of late, which is a buzz kill for me, who was looking forward to walking through the coronation of Napoleon Bonaparte unnoticed. And naked.

A friend of mine pointed out a particularly noteworthy sentence in the article, which is hilarious in the deadpan way that only objective print journalists can muster: "The energy shortfall could also limit the collider’s ability to test more exotic ideas, like the existence of extra dimensions beyond the three of space and one of time that characterize life."

This sentence has inspired me to write a play. It is called "Energy Shortfall."

Energy Shortfall

Switzerland. Deep below the earth's crust. No, deeper. The mantle. A Mechanic and a Physicist stand talking in a tunnel of the Large Hadron Collider.

Mechanic: So you've got an energy shortfall.

Physicist: Oh, an ENERGY SHORTFALL. You don't say?

Mechanic: Listen, I'll come back tomorrow and take another look at it.

Physicist: Oh, yeah. Just come back tomorrow. The energy shortfall isn't really a big deal. I mean, it COULD jeopardize our ability to know the truth about the universe. But you know other than that. No big deal. Go home. You're TIRED.

Mechanic: I said I'll fix it tomorrow!

Physicist (mocking): "I said I'll fix it tomorrow."

Mechanic: Super-collide this.

Mechanic punches Physicist.

Physicist: Fucking asshole! Fucking dumb fucking asshole fuck! Once this supercollider gets going I'm gonna fucking use it to zap you into the fucking Paleozoic era so you can get fucking torn apart by fucking Pterodactyls! You fuck--!

Mechanic punches Physicist again, knocking him against the super-collider, which miraculously begins to function. Zoom out. A black hole opens up over Switzerland. Europe, the world, the galaxy, blogs, are all engulfed into it.

Mik gasps as he awakens from a terrible day dream. His boss is standing behind him.

Boss: Ahem. Mik, did you finish creating those spreadsheets for the progress report?

Mik: No, sorry. I had, uh. I had an energy shortfall.

Boss: And why are you dressed like Napoleon Bonaparte?

Mik punches Boss.

THE END

(...Or is it?)

1 comment:

Bryan said...

One would think that if we eventually worked this out, we would send someone back Terminator-style to help us finish, or at least bring coffee.