Sunday, October 26, 2008

Emails I Never Sent to Girls I Liked

I'm ready to blog again.

It's been a rough weekend for me. The weather has been terrible in Syracuse. I've been feeling frazzled, unproductive, and, yes, quite sad: Jesse would have turned 27 today. Time marches on, even though everyone who knew and loved him is still waiting to wake up from our collective bad dream.

To ward off the blues, I've been checking emails and Facebook and my phone on a minute-by-minute basis. And I realize that, for the first time since moving here, I am feeling very lonely.

This loneliness crippled my writing output this weekend. This loneliness has me wandering the halls of my house, dribbling my basketball in front of the cat, and sifting through old journal entries.

And yet this loneliness produced a rare discovery tonight: a whole digital cache of lost emails. What kind of lost emails, I ask myself rhetorically to facilitate the following response: insane and creepy emails to girls I liked at one point or another, emails that (alas!) I never ended up sending, emails that might have been lost forever.

Why, I ask myself again as a lead-in to the following sentence, didn't I send these emails to the girls? The reasons should be apparent; for example, in one unsent draft to a high school sweetheart, which I don't include here because this is a family blog, I begin by stating: "Hey, L--I was just thinking about you and decided I'd email you instead of just masturbating to your yearbook photograph as usual..."

I'm bored, lonely, rather depressed, without shame, and I have internet access. So here are some of the choicest deleted messages I have never sent to girls I like.


Dear A--

How are you? It was great seeing you earlier today. In fact, I continue to see you. Yes, that's me across the street with the camera. I've rented an apartment with a perfect view of your bedroom and am videotaping you, even now as you're reading this email. Nice faded green pajamas...

Psyche! Hahahaha. Gotcha, didn't I?

Seriously though, A--, those pajamas have seen better days. Call me.

All the best,


Hey, S--

Just wanted to let you know I had a really great time kicking it with you outside of work. One question though: why do you remind me of my mother so much?

BTW, I mean that as a compliment. A sexual compliment.




Sigh. Here goes nothing. It's late on a Wednesday evening, and I'm sitting here trying to find the right words to express what's in my heart. I know we've only known each other for a few days on Facebook. But I'm so glad I friended you after seeing a picture of you in my cousin's album and seeing how hot you were and how cool and fun to be around.

These past few days have been the most fulfilling days of my life. You're everything I've ever been looking for in a woman. You're single. You like "Grey's Anatomy." And, by way of sexual compliment, your boobs seem bigger than average and like they won't get saggy and gross with aging.

I guess this is just a long way of saying that I want to take our three-day Facebook friendship to the next level. Please make me the happiest man in the world, and...

Send me a few naked pictures of yourself.



Hey you--

I didn't mean to make things awkward earlier today by asking you to dinner. I just thought I sensed something different. We've been such good friends for so long, and I value your friendship so much. I don't want to ruin that. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about what it might be like to be something more than friends. This is a shitty way of saying it--over email and all--but I just am kind of shy about things like this. I thought about calling you, but that would have been worse in some ways. Maybe it would be best if we got together at that cafe we went to last week and just talked like two friends who care for each other and respect each other's feelings. Gosh, I know it's corny to say all this. I just get nervous around you sometimes. And it's been happening a lot lately, and I can't help but feel like maybe you feel the same way too. I don't know much, but I do know that I want to keep you in my life. I hope I haven't said too much...

Yours always,

P.S. I have attached a picture of my own genitalia to this email. I wonder if it's bigger or smaller than you expected. Let me know.


Hello H--

Great meeting you earlier today at the Saunders reading. Just wanted to open the lines of communication.

I love you,


Hi again, H--

OMG, I am sooooooooo embarrassed by my last email. I totally didn't mean to write "I love you" in the salutation. I wish you could see how red my face is now. I hope you're not too weirded out to write me back.

Sex is natural,



Jesus! I don't know what's wrong with me today. I tell you "I love you" in the very first email I've ever sent you, and then to make matters worse I say something cryptic and sleazy like "Sex is natural" in my next email. I really have no excuses. I hope you forgive me, but if you don't, I can understand that too. I was just experimenting with salutations, for my own twisted pleasure, and didn't mean to hit send before deleting them both. Once, I can understand maybe you'd think was an honest mistake. But twice: I know. Completely unacceptable. I probably have no chance at all of hearing from you, even though I so enjoyed talking to you about Gravity's Rainbow after the reading today. If you can find it in your heart to forgive the sign off of my previous two emails, I'll make it up to you by buying you dinner next weekend. Cool?

Qhh%#Vn/*? qlekrQ1!!23orjfn

[Oops, accidentally hit some keys while I was masturbating about you.]



Bryan said...

I thought these were "unsent" messages to "girls."

I have received at least five of these emails.


(no seriously keep them coming)

emanuel said...

We've been anxiously waiting... welcome back! Yo, I was dying laughing... shit was hilarious! I like how the overall theme of the emails is to start off somewhere safe and appropriate, then end up crossing the line in the most shamelessly inappropriate manner.

personal favoriate:
"BTW, I meant that as a compliment. A sexual compliment."

Oh shit!

Mik A. said...

Thanks, you two.

Anonymous said...

You have never met me, but your writing inspires me.

I love you.
If only you weren't voting for Obama......

redrumk said...

obviously a prank message from Richard or perhaps something sincere from his artistic sister??

ps -