Sunday, November 25, 2007

All of the Above

The first bullet point under the GRE Test Center Procedures and Regulations:

*Dress so that you can adapt to any room temperature.


Dear Prospective Graduate Student,

We here at the Educational Testing Service are committed to providing prospective students with the highest standard in testing technology. As the only trusted name in graduate and post-graduate preparation (ACT who?), ETS is constantly looking to bring testing technology into the 21st Century and challenging our clients in a way that will prepare them for the future.

With certain scientific developments in the past few years about global warming and climate change, ETS feels it would be remiss of us not to help prepare future citizens of the global project by including a climate variable in our flagship tests, starting with the Graduate Record Examination.

Starting immediately, all GRE tests will include a continuous and changing Room Temperature Variation, or RTV. The RTV will consist of dramatic fluctuations in room temperature as the various sections of the standard GRE are administered. In order to facilitate this new element in testing, rooms will be outfitted with all of the following machinery: an industrial strength wind-blower, snow-making machines, heavy-duty sprinkler systems, faulty levees, sandstorms, hail, and black ice.

Many test-takers may question our decision to include this seemingly hazardous RTV component to the already strenuous GRE, but we feel it’s important that prospective students be able to withstand the fierce driving waves of an Indonesian tsunami while responding critically to an essay on Civil Disobedience by Thoreau.

For this reason we are asking all test-takers to come to your testing location dressed so that you can adapt to any room temperature. Articles of clothing that might be helpful during the test include, but are not limited to:

-Scuba Gear
-Brooks Brothers Suit
-Oxygen Tank
-Sandstorm goggles
-Thong Underwear
-Bearskin parka

Preparation is essential to this new section of the GRE. Though the polar icecaps are melting and Manhattan will be underwater in a few years, we respect your need to take a test to go to Grad School. We here at ETS are not judging your desire to get an MFA. Really. Go ahead. Penguins are dying and you’re mulling over multiple choice questions. Good job. Happy testing!

Best of luck on the GRE and all your future endeavors! (That is, while the world is still around, you apathetic fuck.)


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