Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Lester and the Janitor

My friend Diana enlisted me in this neat traveling journal project called Pen Tales 20. Twenty notebooks were sent to twenty different people. Each person writes a 2-page story in the journal, then passes it on to another person to add another 2 pages.

You're supposed to keep the journal for only five days (fail) and write in longhand (digital printout fail). The one guideline I actually managed to follow was engagement with the previous entry, which was Diana's, which was a strange story about a girl's escape from an insane asylum. In the last couple lines, the girl happens upon the cottage of the asylum's janitor and opens the door, where she beholds "a sight of wonder."

I took over post dot dot dot and wrote this:


With the low, unfamiliar alarm filling the streets of town with word of my escape, the janitor couldn’t hear his own door opening. Wind slammed it shut behind me. It shook the walls of the cottage, and the janitor’s eyes widened at the sight of me. I could sense his terror filling the space between us. The room was dense with smoke and the sweet, charred smell of something burning. Suddenly, I felt a giant shadow move over me. I looked up. I fainted.

When I came to, a weak gray light was streaming in through the crescent aperture in the top of the room and staring down at me from the rafters with two eyes glistening darkly like chocolate was the biggest bird I have ever seen.

It was black as midnight, the feathers on its head rustled against the underside of the roof. It had to be twenty feet. Its claws were as fat and wrinkled as the trunks of a stand of birches. I covered my mouth with both hands and stifled a scream.

The janitor had repositioned himself in front of the fireplace. He was seated in a rocking chair before the fire, turning the crank on his strange instrument. It had a ring of long metal rods, which fanned out from the crankshaft. It was like a Gatling gun, expect at the end of every little rod was a fluffy white cube, like a marshmallow. I sat up quietly and when I tried to slide off the cot, my legs wouldn’t move. They were fastened to the frame by chicken wire.

The bird quacked as it tried to extend its wings in the narrow space above. It sounded like a St. Bernard.

I began to cry. The janitor stopped cranking his instrument.

“Please,” I whispered. “Please, let me go.”

“I can’t do that,” he said, in a pleasant drawl.

In all the years I’d been at the asylum, I’d never heard him speak. I’d seen him every day, watched him through the bars of my room as he dirtied the linoleum floor with a greasy, knotted mop.

“What is that thing?” I said. Its horrible beak, the size of a small boat, gleamed silver in the dimness. One of its smaller feathers had fallen to the floor and landed with a thud beside the room’s only table, like the oar of some hell ship.

“That’s Lester,” said the janitor, standing and rolling his contraption away from the fire on its casters. His eyes, half-lit by the orange flames, glanced back and forth between the bird and me. There was a tiny spot of soot on the tip of his nose.

Lester woofed again, and in the ensuing silence, I realized that the alarm was no longer sounding outside. It was almost dark. The janitor lit an oil lantern. It was almost embarrassing how quickly they’d given up looking for me.

The janitor began to pluck the tiny balls of fluff from the ends of his contraption. They were bent and charred black now. He tossed one into my lap. It landed on my white gown, streaking it with soot.

Sniffing it, I realized it actually was a marshmallow.

I bit through the crunchy, burnt exterior, into the hot, gooey insides. A million tiny pale strands fell over my fingertips. The sugary smell was dizzying. I thought I was going to faint again. It had been years since I’d had a marshmallow, but I knew that I had never tasted a marshmallow like this, roasted with such care and for so long. “It’s heavenly,” I said, my cheeks full of goo. The janitor smiled sadly. He plucked the other marshmallows from the ends of his contraption, perhaps four dozen in all, and formed them expertly in his thick, dirty hands into a roasted marshmallow the size of a volleyball.

“Feast!” the janitor shouted as he heaved the mass up towards the ceiling, where it rose, seeming to pause in front of Lester’s beak for a split second, just long enough for the giant beak to separate and pluck it out of the air with weary skill. The hollow knock of Lester’s beak as it snapped over the marshmallow goo echoed through the cottage. The janitor kept looking from Lester to me, me to Lester, his eyes wild with delight. There were shelves all around us full of unopened bags of jumbo marshmallows.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like him,” I said.

“You’re the first person’s ever seen him,” he said, wiping his hands on his overalls and popping the last marshmallow into his mouth. “Besides me.”

He gulped hard and stuffed his hands into the space between his flannel shirt and his overalls. He was looking at the wire around my ankles with remorse. “Sorry for tying you down,” he said, soon snipping me free with a pair of scissors. “We’re not used to guests.”

We sat at his table and he told me the whole, sad story of how he had come to be the owner of a creature such as Lester. His Ma had left him in a campground near the Mississippi border with nothing but a bag of marshmallows and a baby bird flapping blackly about a little birdcage. “She said she was just going down the road to find some graham crackers.” His chin crinkled with sadness. “That was the last time I seen her,” he said, sitting before his contraption and the fire once again. “I kept waiting for her to come back.” I reached for his shoulder, and when I touched him, he reared back as though stung.

“You’re still waiting for her, aren’t you?” I said.

“I reckon I am,” said the janitor.

The janitor wept silently, and the tears cut clean lines into the dirt and grit of his knuckles. Above us, Lester hopped from one rafter to another growing agitated. He barked a word that sounded human.

“Some more!” Lester cawed again.

The janitor said nothing, only wiped his eyes quickly and spun the contraption even faster into the fire. I kept glancing up at the door. I knew they were out there, laying in wait for me. I couldn’t stay. I had to think. Just then, a knock came at his door.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Here Is Me and Mr. Keret

If I were an old Jewish lady, I would cut in front of me too, because Etgar Keret is the shit. And tonight, he became even more the shit. My sense of his the-shit-ness was already pretty high before tonight, but to sit in that lecture hall at the Jewish Center hearing him talk about his parents' unsentimental relationship to their memories of childhood during WWII and the Holocaust, which were filled with as much comedy, joy, and exaggeration as they were deep suffering and loss, hearing him talk of his inability to write directly about his parents' trauma, hearing him read his short story "Shoes," which I wouldn't mind modeling all my own bullshit immigrant stories on, about a boy who visits a Holocaust museum, then receives a pair of Adidas (Guten tag!) as a gift, Keret's the-shit-ness rose to astronomical levels in my mind.

Here is me waiting in line and failing at it and then retiring to the next room for coffee and dessert, a much-needed treat, because as amazing as Keret's talk was, I was still barely able to keep my eyes open, a result of the arduous Monday-to-Wednesday teaching-tutoring schedule I have this semester, during which I expend much energy I don't have trying to get freshmen to unfreshmen their writing, their minds, etc.

Here is me, one of the last people in the lobby of the Jewish Center, which I'm almost certain is not the official name of the place, on my seventh brownie and third cup of coffee and second tiny bottle of Poland Springs, garnering the fake smiles and silent ire of the people serving the food because I have made the bold decision to cut out the middleman (tongs) and pick up the brownies with my best two fingers. Here is me waiting with my friends for another old Jewish lady who has cut in line to finish verbally pinching Etgar Keret's cheeks.

Here is me, approaching finally--the lady actually pinched his cheeks! how funny! but he took it like a gentleman, didn't he!

Here is me stuttering for a bit, staring at him (was he glowing, or was I having an aneurysm, was he having an aneurysm because of his own radioactivity, are aneurysms contagious?), and here is me asking him if he remembers me from last year, when he came to Syracuse and we sat for an hour in the lobby of his hotel and I ran a tape recorder and asked him one groggy question after another for the literary journal, which he answered ungroggily, with wit and warmth and a life-affirming lack of bullshit. Here is me opening my mouth in front of a writer I wouldn't mind switching frontal lobes with, if only for a couple stories, just to see how it would feel.

Here is me making a self of my ass:

"Hi, Mr. Keret."

"Hi."

"Uh, did you see the interview?"

"Yeah, someone gave me some copies of it earlier."

"Oh, great! What did you think? You didn't hate it, did you?"

"I didn't get a chance to read it yet, I've been--"

"No, totally groovy. No worries. We're all busy. All good."

"So, you are one of the editors?"

Here is me, crestfallen, because a favorite writer has forgotten who I am.

"I, I interviewed you. Don't you remember--?"

"Yes, yes. I remember. You're an editor now, right?"

Here is me, the opposite of crestfallen, because a favorite writer knows something about me. I am totally an editor now! Who has told him? Let me hug that person! And let me hug Mr. Keret!

"Oh, yes! I am! I mean...I am."

"Good."

"Okay, I didn't mean to insult your memory abilities. I just wanted to make sure. So you do remember me, right?"

"I do...Do you have a book for me to sign?"

"Yes, in fact, I do, Mr. Keret. It's my own book. Which includes an interview I did with you in it. Do you remember it?"

"Yes, I said I do."

"It was at the Sheraton?"

"Yes."

"It was in the morning?"

"Got it."

"There was a voice recorder I had sitting on the table? Because it's cool if you forgot. I know famous writers are interviewed all the time. I'm sure other interviewers did a better job--"

"I said I remember you. I remember the interview. I'm looking forward to reading it."

"Great! Because I know it's been a whole year since I interviewed you in the lobby of the Syracuse Sheraton, when you were sitting there, in that fond chair of yesteryear, and I was sitting across from you asking you those questions of lore in an interview-type scenario? Ringing a bell?"

"Are you mocking me?"

"Oh my god, no! No, no, no, Mr. Keret. You're the shit! You're on my shit list! I mean, my The Shit list! Right up there with Walt Whitman and Bob Marley. Man, I wish I had interviewed those guys too. Wouldn't it have been cool to do a three-way with those guys? Ha ha! I didn't mean that in like a gay sex way. Ha ha. But like a round table gang bang of verbal cum shots on each other. Do you remember our interview, Mr. Keret? Did you enjoy it? Whitman was gay, by the way, did you know that?"

"I am very tired, young man."

"So you don't remember me?"

"Fine. No, I don't. I have no recollection of ever meeting you."

A moment later, as I walked away from his table of books distracted, embarrassed, Mr. Keret holding his forehead in his hands, having a real aneurysm, my friends ask me what happened. What did I say? What did he say back? Etc?

Shrug. "I don't think he remembers me."

Bummer, say my friends.

"Though he did allow me to pinch his cheeks!"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

An Explanation of Current Events As Dictated to Me by My Racial Paranoia

You should be on orange alert: it all started with Michael Jackson dying. And what was Michael Jackson? He was the Holy Grail of American racial torment, everyone’s savior and scapegoat, a black dude who was white most of his life and then died and became magically black again overnight thereby enraging decades of white people who realized that even a freakish hybrid black person could still be considered black by other blacks, and maybe even more black, than they had ever suspected.

Then Michael Jackson’s eulogy by Reverend Al Sharpton was broadcast on a radio in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where a police officer who had loved Michael Jackson because he thought black people hated him was getting ready to make his rounds. Brrrrng! There goes his phone. Hello, this is Racist Cop? Hi, yes, two black dudes are breaking into Skip Gates’s house and one of them is Skip Gates, can you arrest them all? Not a problem, ma’am, let me just finish this Hitler moustache I’m putting on a picture of Barack Obama who is trying to give me universal health care.

Then in the middle of Obama’s beer summit with the cop and Skip Gates, which he also invited Biden to so that the cop wouldn’t feel like he was being double-teamed in some kind of interracial gay porn scene waiting to happen, Congressman Joe Wilson was driving by Pennsylvania Avenue in a taxi and saw the beers and the dudes bro-ing it up and felt completely dissed. He was like, to himself, what the fuck Barack, when I texted you earlier today, you said you were working on health care tonight. You hadn’t said anything about beers.

Wilson was near tears and still far from home when he told the driver to let him off at the next corner. His driver let him off. Wilson slammed the door without paying him properly. His driver was Kanye West’s uncle.

Kanye West’s uncle, or was it his second cousin, I think it was his second cousin. Kanye is not really tight with his second cousin, but nevertheless he has a semi-direct line to him, so he called Kanye’s assistant later that week and she put him through to Kanye giving him the code word for annoying money-grubbing second cousin. Kanye’s second cousin was like, Dude can I borrow a couple dollars, you know I’ll hit you back, but I’m just a bit low on funds because I was driving this guy who kind of didn’t pay me properly the other day so now I’m in the hole some dough you know how that goes. And Kanye was suddenly curious about the dude who didn’t pay his second cousin, so he was like, I know you drive some big shots and political dudes in DC: who were you driving? He said it in italics like that. And Kanye’s second cousin was like, Congressman Joe Wilson, do you know him?

Of course, Kanye knew him. Kanye knew all about Congressman Joe Wilson. Kanye hung up the phone on his second cousin, forgetting to hook him up with tickets even though he had an extra pair. Kanye’s own racial paranoia was quickly turning to outrage and it was on boil the night of the VMAs because of the way Joe Wilson could just get away with yelling at Obama in Congress and could just slam the door without paying on his second cousin, his own family dawg!, which is why when he took the microphone from that country singer whose video really wasn’t as good as Beyonce’s, he was secretly yelling at Joe Wilson, which all of the various blogs, newspapers, and magazines were smart enough to see the completely logical connections between.

Orange alerts. No lie.


["No, You Lie" image courtesy of noyoulie@gmail.com]

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

WHITE GUILT/BLACK GUILT


White Guilt: Sorry for going first.

Black Guilt: No worries. Sorry I didn’t take the initiative.

White Guilt: Hey, man. I just wanted to say…Man, I’m really sorry
about, well, everything. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think
about it.

Black Guilt: Totally not your fault. Actually, I’m the one who should
apologize. There’s so much disgusting reverse stuff going on nowadays.
I feel awful. I can’t believe you’ve felt this way for so long. How
come you never said anything?

White Guilt: No biggie. Really. Reverse racism is a total oxymoron. I
don't even understand it.

Black Guilt: I do, and I'm sorry for it. I’m sorry about your
firefighters getting passed over for a promotion in New Haven. So
terrible, dude.

White Guilt: Pssht! That’s nothing compared to the systemic racism
that continues to widen the income gap between our wealthy, amazing
families and your very sad, poor ones. Really sorry.

Black Guilt: Don’t fret. I’m sorry about that whole Sotomayor thing.
She had no right to generalize about you guys like that. I know tons
of really wise white dudes.

White Guilt: Thank you.

Black Guilt: Maybe not tons…Samuel Beckett. He was white, right?

White Guilt: More or less. I’m sorry he won the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Black Guilt: I’m sorry Toni Morrison played the race card.

White Guilt: Sorry about that whole Skip Gates thing. That was awkward.

Black Guilt: Listen, I’m sorry for the way we assume that all white
cops are racist when they’re probably just doing their jobs.

White Guilt: I’m sorry for racial profiling.

Black Guilt: I’m sorry about Obama’s “stupidly” comment. And about
Obama in general. I can’t believe he’s been in office almost a year
now. It feels like it’s been forever since there’s been a white
president. Sorry about that.

White Guilt: No, I’m sorry we’ve been hogging it for the previous 219 years!

Black Guilt: Ha ha ha. No sweat. I’m sorry Tiger Woods owns your sport.

White Guilt: I’m sorry Eminem owned your musical form.

Black Guilt: Owned or leased?

White Guilt: Either way. Ha ha ha.

Black Guilt: I’m sorry the whole penis thing didn’t work out in your favor.

White Guilt: No worries. Old myths die hard.

Black Guilt: Right. Myths.

White Guilt: I’m sorry we think you’re lazy.

Black Guilt: I’m sorry our comedians do hilarious impressions of you.

White Guilt: I’m sorry in sixth grade you thought Jessica Mills didn’t
like you because you were black when it was because you kept wetting
yourself before talking to her.

Black Guilt: That’s okay. I’m sorry I got into Dartmouth and you got waitlisted.

White Guilt: Water under the bridge. I’m sorry you couldn’t vote until 1870.

Black Guilt: 1965.

White Guilt: Whatever.

Black Guilt:

White Guilt:

Black & White Guilt: Sorry.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Clean on the Outside

I used to be a huge fan of BET's Comic View, especially when Cedric the Entertainer was hosting. Before he started going the Eddie Murphy route of kids' movies, cartoons, and weirdly perfect facial hair, Cedric was the pioneer of incorporating dance moves into his routines. It helped that Cedric was chubby and jolly and actually a really good dancer, and that he never smiled while doing it, which is part of what made his opening routines so hilarious.

Now a lot of comics seem to incorporate song and dance into their routines. Kat Williams' epileptic "Everyday I'm Hustlin" bit is less a Cedric-style song-and-dance number than it is a staged battle of wills between Williams and an unseen DJ who continues to queue up the song despite the comedian's protests: "Shit! Turn it off, sir. Don't play it again."

But there was no one quite like Cedric. What he lacked in hyperactivity, he made up for in smoothness and prowess. And every once in a while, I'll hear a song and think, "This would be perfect for Cedric."

This is such a song. Yeah, buddy.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The God Particle Is in the Details

Perhaps you've heard about the 17-mile long super-collider buried under Switzerland. Apparently, if everything works out, we'll wake up the next day with the power of invisibility and time travel. I think that's correct.

Anyway, there was an article in the New York Times today about how they've been having problems of late, which is a buzz kill for me, who was looking forward to walking through the coronation of Napoleon Bonaparte unnoticed. And naked.

A friend of mine pointed out a particularly noteworthy sentence in the article, which is hilarious in the deadpan way that only objective print journalists can muster: "The energy shortfall could also limit the collider’s ability to test more exotic ideas, like the existence of extra dimensions beyond the three of space and one of time that characterize life."

This sentence has inspired me to write a play. It is called "Energy Shortfall."

Energy Shortfall

Switzerland. Deep below the earth's crust. No, deeper. The mantle. A Mechanic and a Physicist stand talking in a tunnel of the Large Hadron Collider.

Mechanic: So you've got an energy shortfall.

Physicist: Oh, an ENERGY SHORTFALL. You don't say?

Mechanic: Listen, I'll come back tomorrow and take another look at it.

Physicist: Oh, yeah. Just come back tomorrow. The energy shortfall isn't really a big deal. I mean, it COULD jeopardize our ability to know the truth about the universe. But you know other than that. No big deal. Go home. You're TIRED.

Mechanic: I said I'll fix it tomorrow!

Physicist (mocking): "I said I'll fix it tomorrow."

Mechanic: Super-collide this.

Mechanic punches Physicist.

Physicist: Fucking asshole! Fucking dumb fucking asshole fuck! Once this supercollider gets going I'm gonna fucking use it to zap you into the fucking Paleozoic era so you can get fucking torn apart by fucking Pterodactyls! You fuck--!

Mechanic punches Physicist again, knocking him against the super-collider, which miraculously begins to function. Zoom out. A black hole opens up over Switzerland. Europe, the world, the galaxy, blogs, are all engulfed into it.

Mik gasps as he awakens from a terrible day dream. His boss is standing behind him.

Boss: Ahem. Mik, did you finish creating those spreadsheets for the progress report?

Mik: No, sorry. I had, uh. I had an energy shortfall.

Boss: And why are you dressed like Napoleon Bonaparte?

Mik punches Boss.

THE END

(...Or is it?)

Monday, August 03, 2009

Fortunes

There was a fortune cookie left over from dinner last night. I broke it in half and removed its lone intestine. "Your future is boundless as the lofty heavens," it said. There were smiley faces on it. They did not seem particularly friendly.

I am not a fan of the taste of fortune cookies, but feeling fortunate, I popped half of it into my mouth and proceeded to fumble the other half. It shattered on the floor, which somehow seemed to contradict the optimism of my fortune.

And like that: my friend Jesse was sitting in my kitchen. On this day a year ago, he died in a freak accident while he was out jogging. His future was not boundless. His future ended on the corner of Vanderbilt and Atlantic Avenue on a day exactly like this one. And yet who better to verify the truth of the fortune? Who better to ask about the loftiness of heaven than him?

"Jesse," I said to an empty chair. "Is it really that...lofty?"

"Eh," he shrugged. "I mean it's only heaven."

I picked the brittle, broken pieces off my kitchen floor. I tried to think of what else we could say to each other, a year deeper into my boundless future, and him into the one I continue to imagine for him.

For me really.

I looked over at him and began my boundless, lofty future this way: by taking dirty, broken pieces of fortune and eating every last crumb.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sent via Yo Mama

I’m probably not alone in being an enemy of Personal Digital Assistants. A few years back, I had one ‘o them thangs and quickly realized that I preferred to keep my Gmail-and-Facebook-checking addiction separate from my text-checking one. When the two forces met in my old BlackBerry, the results were, in the words of TLC, unpretty. My emails became more like texts. K thx bye. My texts became more like emails. I will see you in a little bit unless you want to meet later in which case that’s totally cool with me or if you don’t want to meet at all just send me a long ass text message like this one that takes up seven texts so I know, K thx bye.

But the single strangest and most annoying thing to me about these futuristic devices is the extent to which they shamelessly brag about who they are. I know everyone gets these emails now which you think are emails at first, only to get to the end of them and discover a final smug phrase introduced by two words: “Sent via…”

Sent via BlackBerry. Or: Sent via my iPhone.

Consider that: My iPhone. Not yours. Mine. Just in case you were confused, because sometimes you might think that you’ve sent yourself a fake email which you couldn’t wait a couple minutes until you got in front of a computer to sit down and respond to like a normal human being.

I often try to visualize the people sending me these messages, see them standing outside their buildings, cigarette in one hand, small computer in the other, winking as a pretty girl walks by. Now he’s holding up his PDA. “It’s a G-Phone,” he says. “In case you were wondering.”

Can you imagine if all of our messages carried with them some kind of vital information about the means by which they were sent? How annoying would that be? This post, for example, would be stamped with: “Sent via A Shitty PC With Something Called A KeyTronic Keyboard Which I’m Supposed to Be Doing Work on But Which I’m Using to Write Stupid Blog Entries That No One Will Read.”

Or if my text messages all ended with “Sent via Weird Pantech Phone Which T-Mobile Doesn’t Recognize as A Real Phone and Which My Cousin Gave Me Out of Charity.”

Or if all my flirty fun emails to girls ended with “Sent via a Laptop Which A Few Minutes Ago I Used to Download a Video of Two Hot Lesbian Nurses Breaking All Kinds of Hippocratic Oaths.”

This is not a world I want to live in.

Sent via Just Keeping It Real

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

One Man's Michael Jackson

First, I guess I need to apologize to myself and anyone who reads this for letting the blog field go fallow for so long. I've been working pretty hard and more or less solely on this, ahem, you know, kinda, well, uh thing, and it hasn't left much time for blogification. And actually I probably wouldn't have posted this today if I hadn't been prompted by a friend's email. So I apologize for the vacation. I think I'll post a couple more times before the summer's out. Or maybe not. Fuck off.

For the past several years, whenever I've been at a party, and there's been an untended iPod hiccupping one, like, Portishead song after another, I am usually the one to commandeer it, drunkenly and without asking its owner or the party host, who are usually the same person.

And the first name I usually spin the wheel towards is Michael Jackson's.

He is the egalitarian party starter of the century; he is Jesus of the iPod-based dance party: a savior. Forever and ever. Amen. I've only been to one party where the detonation of "P.Y.T." didn't cause hysteria, and that's because the people at the party were all from Greece and probably forgot who Michael Jackson was, stuck as they were in whatever weird, trance bullshit they'd been listening to all night.

And actually that party really disturbed me for many days afterward, and I said to the friend who'd dragged me there something that I think is as true today as it was back in March: "One man's trash is another man's Michael Jackson."

Because he was already a fixture of every single birthday playlist I've ever had--and usually timed for the apex of the night--and because his musical career had more or less ended, for me at least, after that song, "Butterflies," the only thing MJ's death does for me is make him dead.

There was a period growing up when hip-hop was the only thing I listened to--TLC, Arrested Development, Outkast, Biggie, Jay-Z, etc. I had more or less forgotten about MJ. But then, somewhere in my early twenties, I probably heard some DJ at some club spin "Rock With You" during a set, and I remembered.

Movie Flashback: Boston in the early 80s, the smell of our apartment on Beacon Street, a time when my parents were young, happy, and their friends would force me to do my lame moonwalk at parties, and which I'd readily perform.

For me, it's always been about his music. And maybe a good bit of nostalgia. I'm sure the creepy stuff is still haunting some people, most of all those kids, if it actually happened (and maybe more so if it didn't). It is haunting. But we wouldn't even know about it if it weren't for his Truman Show-esque, perpetually spotlit life, lack of childhood, some foul shit Joe said and/or did to him, etc.

I'm not saying I think Mike is innocent because he created great music. He created great music, and he was a flawed person, who led (in the words of Obama) "a sad and tragic life." Two separate statements. But his person must be punished for the flaws. Not his music, which still seems, after all these years, bigger, more expansive and more important than the sad, doomed brother that produced it.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

High Post 5: Smoke Green Like It Was St. Patrick's Day

Yay, Ireland. Yay, yay, yay, Ireland. It is your day of celebration. You lift up your songs to the Creator of your country. And you say, yay, yay, yay.

I am very stoned right now, more stoned than I've been in a long time. I went to dinner with two friends, and then one of the two friends came with me to this party, where all the dudes were trashed because they'd been drinking since 7AM, and they were wearing green Mardi Gras beads and green tee shirts with green Afros and green dildos, and one of them was like, "Yo, dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. First of all, Yay, Ireland."

Then other dudes at the party in chorus went, "Yay, Ireland!"

"Second of all," he said. "We have guests, dude." Heads spun around slowly at me and my friend, revealing, for the first time, their half-shut-because-we've-been-drinking-since-7AM eyes.

Then the other dudes were like, "Well, let 'em hit the bowl!"

But of course they neglected to tell us that not only was there weed in the bowl, but that there was also hash, which is why, after taking the hit, I was coughing my goddamn lungs out.

I was walking home with my friend, who decided not to take a hit in the end (and I took his for him), and even though he was talking like a regular human being, he seemed, to my ears, to be speaking in this hypersonic dialect that only people in the future or on Koldova 9 (a new planet I just made up) could understand.

I kept quiet, for fear of revealing that I was not a fellow Koldova 9er. All I remembered was to use that familiar Koldovan 9 phrase as we parted ways in the middle of the street, which was, "Good night, dude."

It was shortly after this that I sat down in front of the computer and a cat miraculously leapt onto my shoulders out of thin air and started writing everything you've just read. Yes, that's him up there. Arrest him!

Aaaaarrrrresssst hiiiiiim!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Negro Speaks of Blizzards

I've known blizzards:

I've known blizzards as cold as nads, colder than the
Sweet flow of cookie dough and vanilla in a DQ Blizzard (TM).

Cold and snowy. (Did I mention cold?)
I've known blizzards.

I have gone sleeveless in Atlanta
Last Christmas, on my front porch, when it was in the low fifties.
I have gotten away with going out to bars
In only a hoodie and jeans on temperate
January evenings in Little Five Points.

But now I live in Syracuse, New York. Why did I come here?
It is because someone who probably won't stay my girlfriend
Told me it would be "April all year round."
And that the biggest Dairy Queen in America was being built here.
Because she knows I love Blizzards(TM).
Those were the cruelest jokes.

So now I know blizzards.
My soul has grown cold like a blizzard.

I wish I did not know blizzards.

Fuck blizzards.

Monday, March 09, 2009

A Little Number

Oh, shit!

Again!

My fiction fragment "The Mortgensens" is up over at Monkeybicycle.net, a great little journal and website. If you have a second between doing whatever unseemly things you do, please check it out. It'll be on their home page this week, and in the archives after that. Thanks!

Thursday, March 05, 2009

MikSweeney's

Oh, shit!

I have a piece up at McSweeney's Internet Tendency this week (under my government name), which is a huge deal for me. Not that I used my government name, but that I have something up at McSweeney's, which I've been reading since before I knew how to read. Anyway, check it out! Or if you don't get around to it this week, peep it in the archives here.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Lake Effects

Worst day of the year. No sun, all snow. Inside you, you feel the blood thicken.

You step off the bus, start heading east on a little street connecting the main one to home. Usually your time for silent, ambling meditation. And Weezy in the headphones. But you don't love this street today. Pelted by unkind flakes, you let out a deep, long breath, longer and deeper than you knew you had in you.

You have the urge to kick something, so you do. A baby bunny of snow. It explodes around you. You feel better. But only for a second. You've drawn the attention of a woman getting out of her Volvo. How was her day, you wonder.

Her face says please don't rob me.

You miss the city something terrible on a day like this. When you come home and the house is dark and empty. Except for the cat and her eyes. You try to pet her and she bolts. Which makes sense somehow.

You're dreaming of a bar tended by a fat, bearded man who mumbles to himself. You divide your attention between your pint, the front door, a novel. You realize you're waiting for someone. But who? Ah, a friend. Remember that? Someone who understands. Who gets it. Who comes, in the style of poorly written endings, precisely when you can't stand yourself anymore.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Dear Editor...

As part of my work with Salt Hill, Syracuse's nationally distributed literary magazine, I get to read a lot of short stories that get submitted from all of the craziest corners of our Union. (My long-time readers--Hi, Mom!--will recall that the slush pile has been one of the enduring obsessions here at Mik Awake: Unusually Tired.)

Of the, say, hundred or so submissions you get, maybe two you'll want to pass on to the editors, but most of the stories you'll read are just, you know...meh.

But for every ten meh stories (e.g. "On a warm spring day, Billy arrived at his grandmother's house..."), there is at least one story that is exceptionally terrible and/or the work of a legally insane human being. And contrary to popular belief and whatever T.I. may think, there is a very thick line between brilliance and insanity.

But somehow even the worst stories are inspiring in their own crazy way. Which leads me to this: I have written, as a kind of homage to some of these stories, a story of my own, inspired by some of the most persistent qualities one is wont to find in exceedingly awful writing.

Some things to look out for: some form of the word "alone" in the first paragraph, casual un-ironic racism (i.e. use of the word "Chinamen" to describe Asians), use of the word "luncheon," and moments of astounding illogic, as in "Mik Awake was born at the age of five."

Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it here it go.

This is probably the best story I've ever written.

***

Nik in Love: Based on True Events
By Mik Awake


Alone, Nik Asleep sat in a windowless room. His mother stood in a corner. The old hag was old and haggy and had teeth that were yellow. Light streamed in through the windows.

“My dear son,” said the mother, using nice words but saying them un-nicely. “I don’t approve of your new girlfriend. And so that is why you are in this room: for grounding.”

The son felt angry. The anger boiled in him like water in a pot on a stove being made ready for use with tea or a French press for coffee which people would sip while sitting around a table and talking about current events, like Barack Obama.

Suddenly, he knew why his mother didn’t like his new girlfriend. It was because she was a different race. “Your racism is killing me,” Nik began to cry.

Instantly, his mother felt guilty, but hid her guilt from her son. “You are still grounded, young man.” She slammed the door loudly and stormed off down the hallway towards her room which she entered with a sigh. His mother, later on, would go to a luncheon and get into a car accident because she was so upset.

Otherwise, it was an everyday average day in their house. The father was absent somewhere being an alcoholic. Nik threw a chair in anger whenever he thought about his alcoholic father. "Chair!" went the chair.

The cats played in the foyer with the dogs and rabbits.

The cats were named Snuggles, Muffie, and Bridget. The dogs were named Brandon, Chuck, and Captain Fluffers. The rabbits had only two of their race on hand for the playing in the foyer, and there names were Teeny and Tiny. It was hard for Nik to tell the two rabbits apart. Was he racist against rabbits, he wondered. Maybe he had more in common with his mother than he thought.

He walked to his mother’s room to apologize. Several weeks had passed since the grounding. Did I mention he was off grounding when he was playing with all of the animals in the foyer but still hadn’t forgiven his mother? He could hold a grudge, that one.

Nik had told his mother that he had stopped dating his girlfriend of another race, a Chinawoman, named Kntadk^9. But this was not the truth. And Nik's mother found out by following Nik to school the next day and spying on him. She shook her fist at her son's interraciality.

“I hate you, Mom,” Nik cried with Kntadk^9’s China tongue jammed down his throat.

In the end, it was all he could say.

THE END
Or: FIN (For the foreign and Chinese markets)